this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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