If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
