When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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