My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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