Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Fuck appropriateness.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize