So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
