If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
