my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just blew my weed a kiss
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
