I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
