I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize