I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
