it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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