: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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