Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
