Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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