did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
