I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
