She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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