Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
