At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize