I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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