I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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