soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
