she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
