wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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