My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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