You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
