If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
