My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
