she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
