did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
