1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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