I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
