I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
