What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
