so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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