I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
