recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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