I CAN MOONWALK!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
