cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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