Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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