Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
