Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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