you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize
