Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
