either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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