you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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