hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
