I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
