I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
