I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
