just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
