last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just sent this text using only my big toe
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
