i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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