I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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