I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize