cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
