Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
