Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
