I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
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