I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
