I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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