I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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